Note 64 : Be careful what you wish for

'Im the captain of the mud with mayhem society', there is also a  plan to setup a 'forum for treating compulsive parents', I'm the founder and we are passing a legislation for pets in all homes'

 Agnes said as we were having  our midnight conversation amidst the dark. These midnight discussions were a routine, the house had just voices amidst the dark and it felt that the night had company..

' Busy day haa' i interjected

'Mud and mayhem is ok and the pets idea is great, but compulsive parents hmmm , he is not compulsive Ag.. is he ?'

Thank you i said, in my head

'He can be arrogant, a little reckless, he thinks he's a mix of dumbledore and gandalf, when  angry he uses 'Crucio' to settle things'

'Ookkaayy..'

'.... , he lives in an alternate reality and talks to himself. But he's not compulsive. His unhealthy love for Batman set apart.. I think he's okay ...' added Lily

'Hmm' i said clearing my throat to tell them i was there.

'But di, the schedule for mattress covers...'

' so they all get worn out equally'

'The laundry schedule'

' so you don't run out of clothes'

'The bathroom cleaning schedule for Mavshi'

'So its clean guys'

'the schedule for your office clothes,  the time allocation for tv series ..what not'

' ok i give up... But no electric shocks ok......Haha' giggled Lily

I was evidently not supposed to have a say in this

'You must hear what Akruti's dad does Lil, I'll tell you'

' ok so I'm not supposed to know what ails other fathers. Why ? if i may ask'

' you may not' came the retort, Agnes

'You must look within paa' added Lily

Today, i believe was one of the (many) days where I'd have to give up and sleep.

The thought of this discussion happening in other homes gave me chills, I dreaded Akrutis dad either predicting my next office shirt or giving me a weird smile..

'Also di we have prepared a list of mental diseases our teachers might be suffering, we are although ,still experimenting'

I shifted uneasily

'And you were worried she was planning to poison them...see this is what she was planning..' Lily whispered

' you wanted them to do everything you couldn't' said one voice..'

'this is not what i meant'

'Be careful what you wish for' said an Agnes like voice.

Hdk

Note 63 : Wishes

'Make a wish' they said, together. 'Make a wish daddy, fasstt' added Agnes..

'And you have to close your eyes too'..sighed Lily..

Trying to follow these instructions, i simultaneously exhaled air and the candles extinguished.
This didn't make sense, blowing off the light from a piece of cream and then gulping off that very piece ..'like a savage pig' she used to say.. (Pigs are good people)

Earlier today, i had successfully completed another trip to the sun and in the process hadn't killed anyone.. These things are worth celebrating.. Right?

It doesn't matter if you agree or no, my kids did.

I crawled outside my being to meet an onslaught of love and affection. A conscious part of me, at-least what's left of it, was trying to make sure this doesn't become a habit. Habits are demons you carry on your back and in the quiet of the night they inject themselves into your souls, then they decide what you do, what you say, you don't want that, right?

Like this, right here, how they took over this Lily, Agnes note.

Anyways,  when i woke up in the morning there were elephants above my head. These elephants were balloon elephants, you could make the elephant less fat, but do they even care?

Mavshi had a hot cup of tea ready, there was food too today, i was tempted to say thank you. But she would retort and say, its only for today, i didn't have this conversation.  Should we have these scripted conversations, the one's we know how they are gonna end?

Few packages lay below my hagrid - big foot - ewoks replica. My pile of gifts. I took some-time to unwrap all of them. I sometimes need these gifts. They are carrots to the daily stick - sticky being. Shouldn't i just stop being?

Make a wish my sweet-hearts said. A wish is a dash of hope amidst all hopelessness, an impossibility, a smiling icicle in front of the sun.

I closed eyes, wished and then quietly crawled back inside..

These wishes are the end of me.

Hdk

Note : 62 : When the old man dreams

I grew up to be this forgetful, grumpy old man. I remember this because my forgetfulness is the only thing I remember. I once forgot what things were called – that day, I randomly gave new names to those things, it seemed after sometime, those things were re-born - small roots and fresh leaves had sprouted , a new name was all it took to make them look fresh.

But then, the next day, I recollected everything I had forgotten and the world was heavy with names again.

Amongst this dawn and dusk, I spent quiet some months, maybe years. I sometimes felt that there were elves in the house – cause my book – which I last remember keeping on my bed moved suddenly to the table, drinks filled glasses, food plates, my chappals - everything moved. These annoying elves made life even more miserable.

Agnes said i had to have pills, Lily said i needed fresh air, fresh perspective she said - or was it the other. The 2 worlds i had apart from the one i existed in, collided - what were once 3 distinct trees, were now one enormous grandfather tree - with as many branches as sun- rays. This view sometimes was better too - the chaotic tidiness. It ridiculed my labelling nature.
 
These girls were 2 different realities - my heads didn't like that kinda pressure. So in a decision where i actively slept - my worlds were suddenly all one.

There was ice cream with tea, i danced in the exam hall, i was happy at work, there was spring while it rained. There was paradise in a volcano.

Agnes read a book, Lily fought with me, she tickled me and called me old - while Agnes worried about the religions of the world. One cooked delicious rice while the other made a good cocktail, one danced while the other hummed. My worlds, the suns and the moons, the shiny summers afternoon and winter's pleasant moonbeam - they were all suddenly there, present at the same time. Entirety in abundance.

It had to be a dream, a very vivid admirable dream. These dreams are where i begin and where i close.

 Hdk

Note 61 : Letters

Hi Dad,

Its windy and I'm with people who like this kinda music - which you don't realize its playing - until you are humming, feet tapping, sometimes grinning - you know, your style - you, grandfatherly father - its nice when its like this, we are below this blossoming tree in a park - this is the treasure you'd asked us to find eh, in our treasure hunts. Not those books,hats, whistles, little messages, not things you can touch and feel - you'd say - our treasures are whats within.

I think Dad, its coming to the fore. I feel more alive than I have ever felt.  - like the gypsies, when you travel, you carry your home within -  that's our tribe right?

 I miss Agnes, I miss getting mad at her, like the time when we forgot the 3D glasses in a 3D movie, you rushed out - maybe stole some, haha, give her a hug when shes back home, will you?

I will be home soon, I miss the air, I miss the comfort, you.

Lily

Note 60 : The summer rain

The heat it seemed had roasted the planet..shades of what a few months back were green were now brown..

At times it did feel that the planet has become a pit....a pit which burns...

The chirping bird had gone hoarse..the puffy grass was now mud, crumbled... Life was still and volcanic.

Summers were such..

The kids, however, had their vacation..the constant need to keep their ever questioning minds occupied..

As I came back from work.. Lil came back from badminton practice and Ag was after meeting with her gang.. Rumors were that those girls used to beat up guys..

Something pending inquiry.

As I sat down with them..we spoke abt how awful summer's were and Lil had some strong words about global warming and it's repercussions..

"What is global warming di ?" Ag asked to which Lil had the most perfect answer...

The discussion occupied the dinner table..

Post dinner, I got back to catch up some work before our routine 11 pm night walk, the girls took a dip into their own world..

Everytime the house got silent, i had reasons to believe something was brewing and before i could figure out......

"Daaaaaaadddd... Leeelllllllyyuyu......daaadddyyyyyy... Leeellliiyyyu" I heard Ag trumpet...

I went to the other room found Lily drenched...and out of no where a cool splash hit me.on the face and i resembled aqua-man (a fat one)... Before I could react Ag too had herself covered by water... Water with ice.

"the world can go warm itself but my family remains cool.." She announced..

"And to say i didnt teach my kids anything... Haha" - i cried out loud

We spent the night walk in the tub of ice cubes (Agnes had gotten ready) playing with her floating ducks and mermaids and bat-rings...

The walk was junked.. I sat besides them as they splashed their way into our oceanic house.. Little fishes eh..

Hdk

Note 59 : God

"You were so high -.... Haa hahah"

 - Agnes was on to her favorite past time, checking out old pictures, unearthing the past - ghosts, wisps of memories, almost smoke like emerges from each of those pictures. Past is a buried treasure, and she was onto looting it.
Agnes, the pirate.

"You were walking in heaven it seems Joe" said Lily..

"Yea, look at that grin" - added Agnes

"Either that or he was imagining something really fishy" -

"Ahem ahem" clearing throat to run away from a really awkward conversation i said
" yea, this was twenty 15, Goa, "

" ohhhh goaaa,!!"

Both of them chimed, waiting for a detailed story, that was never to come.

"What did you do, what did you do??" said Agnes, jumping...

"Well, the story begins with me being totally drunk and stoned and what not on a beach,  we were young and a little reckless and did all that came to mind"

"Do you mind if i write it down and you sign it" said Lily, sheepishly

"..., so when you get young and reckless, you have something to throw in my face, right !
Nevvvvveeh happening !"

("Smartass" said one voice in my head, "your kids" said another)

"So it was clicked on the night we slept on the beach, wonderfully sloshed.

 We had fun all day and the beach was nice and cold without cops and the sound of waves...., so wishing we would find mermaids next morning, we crashed on the shores" I sighed

 " i also had a dream..

It felt as if, i was in heaven, well in my head i was - but in the dream i was too,

so i was walking in heaven, singing my songs and suddenly out of nowhere came god

"Hi", he said

I said, "hello ur holiness - where is your holy cow" -

He looked angry, didn't say anything and walked away - i was still floating in the air - looking at all the whiteness.. And, came god again -

this time, he farted

I said "Holy fart !!"

"Hahaha hahahahaha, ure funny" laughed god and i grinned too and that's when i think this picture was taken.."

"You said holy fart - to god - bwhahahahha"  Ag laughed and fell of the bed.

Lil was just shaking her head looking at me...

"are you gonna disown me ??" i asked - she smiled back.

God is a comedian playing to an audience who's too afraid to laugh - said Voltaire

Smile on!

Note 58 : Love

Somewhere in the not so distant future..

"but is it not in Joe`s caring, is it not in mavshis food, how my garden waves when they see me, or in a bee resting on that very flower, suckling through the essence of her fragrance and creating a sweetness for a human tongue..is the flower not, then, being loved -love is in the act, then is it not - why give it a name Lily..." Ag asked

"what happens when the bee leaves, is wat the flower feels not love, or before the bee comes is it not anticipating love, mavshi loves us and so the food tastes good, dad - that man - and everything he feels - Ag dear - if it is in the mind will it not manifest in actions - but if it is in the mind - actions or not - it's there - so love is the feeling not action"

Women discussing love. My bipolarity - right in front of me.

Actions, feelings, the how and the why. I would say, " darlings, if you let it be, there in your eyes, your heart, your whispers and actions. Let it be where it is, dont push it - dont burn it - because it is tender as a new born - let it evolve - until it glows and shines your very soul...and for the world Let them doubt your sanity but never your love".

The debate closes.

Loves buries oceans and sinks mountains.

Enough now.

Hdk

PS :

"For the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth - that Love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. Love goes very far beyond the physical person of the beloved. It finds its deepest meaning in its spiritual being, his inner self. Whether or not he is actually present, whether or not he is still alive at all, ceases somehow to be of importance

There are things which must cause you to lose your reason or you have none to lose” - Viktor F

Letters to Agnes and back

Dear agnes,

How are you? Do you remember me? I met you sometime ago in the park! The cotton candy aunty.

I met your pa yesterday and he was telling such beautiful things about you. So he says you are learning ballet dance and you made your pa dance on that. I wonder did he trip down? You know he has the weak limbs 

I know your father can be a handful sometimes.  But I am so glad he is taking such good care of both you girls.

You know I went to an amusement park this weekend and it was so much fun. When you come here,  very soon, I will take you to the park. It has this huge merry go round which will take you to the top of the world. 

And they have the best cotton candy, in pink and purple and red blue all the different colors. Wouldn't you love to have them all.

We will also buy so many colorful balloons.  I loce balloons.  Don't you love them Ag? Purple is my favorite color. Which is your favorite color Ag?

I will be writing to you soon.  Do write me back with youe favorite color. And dont forget your dad is not the most happening person but he is the most lovable dad.

Now you be a good girl  take care of him till the time I am away. I will see you soon.

Love,

Xyz

Hey xyz,

Can I call you xyz, I kinda give short names to everyone.. Ever wonder how Joe got his name ? He says he signs all his office emails with Joe.

Baloons are fab -.Lil loves them too and yea cotton candy was fun..we should do that sometime again..

Joe is planning the fun n fair trips and tats "only family" like he likes to call it so maybe the one with you would have to be separate.. All my girlfriends and you.. 

Abt Joe not being fun, you have to be around the house - he breaks more things than me and Lil combined..and hes singing all day along and making us dance..

Did I miss something, if I did hit me back..

Ag

Note 57 : The Old House

Dust - shaded in hues of red and brown,  was what fell off as i brushed my fingers over a lock - that looked from a different age..

Agnes was too excited to get in ..

" Will it be haunted " she asked every 7 minutes - her theories, a collage of all the scary movies she'd manage to watch..

Lil, after the 5 th time the question was repeated, quipped - " there's no such thing as ghosts - there's no proof" - her temper always lurking around the corner, is this a part of growing up - i asked myself..The car played - "Hotel California" - Agnes - like the lead in an opera and me in the chorus.

We parked the car at the point where the road was no longer motorable and walked on..

A green trail, with thorny scrubs and the yellow sun - had got us to an old, ruined - desolate house..

My restless kids wanted an adventure. So we went on a search for a haunted looking, empty house and decided to spend the night.

"You don't love your kids, do you" mom said over the phone as i told her about the plan we'd hatched.
She sighed and told me to see a doctor - i told her i loved her.

Dr. Sha..... read the broken,  scratched and torn name plate.
We all took chances at guessing it -

"Shaperman" said Ag
"Sharma, of course" said Lil
"Shaaaaaaecholate" i said - he must be a giant ball of sugarless chocolate .

The rusted lock - in my hand - Ag got the hammer - "the windows open" - said Lily as she jumped into the house - when i would have thot twice and discussed with the group. Never mind - they`re your kids - my head said to myself.

Ag jumped after and i followed -

"In a group, always" i told the air around - looking at Lil -

was i scared when my children weren't?

The house was a beautiful piece of silence - the stillness, stopped time. Mud, had formed a layer on the ground, tidily swept - spread equally over the breadth of the house..The sofa was alone, the tv without frequency - a lifeless house, like a soulless body - lay before us.

"This house is cute, it doesn't scare me" as she saw a scribbled picture of a mountain, a wall and the sun.

Lil went for the shelf - yellowed pages on grey books were her happy place; "the doctor was alone and all he did was draw and read" she proclaimed . i just assumed she knew.

The stair-case creaked, time had passed it seems, since the last time someone had cared to walk over it. I found a few pages of a diary - searched for the parent - found it in the study, where there was a barrage of other books.

We all got silent - as we trespassed the property of what seemed to be the house of a man who once lived by himself and died - all in peace .

He came, he saw and he went..

The plan to stay back was canned, we headed back - jumped out of the window.. "We must next time try the road on the other side" said the relentless Agnes..

Lil just scowled at her..

 As we head back to our lives with all the color and love, the rusted lock - clicked and the greyed Dr. Sh smiled as he walked off for his evening walk

Hdk

Note 56 : Clouds

The cloud's thundered..

"Hey sugar" said papa cloud

Light showers..

"Its the breeze paa" Giggled the baby could..

A thousand or so feet below.. The candy lily was having snapped and the piece of ice-cream fell on the ground - thunder..

Ag and me looked at each other for a hint.. A reaction.. Our insides wanted to laugh.

Lil looked at us - shook her head.. Gently smiled - showers. Agnes bursted out laughing. ...

Happily floating, giggling, tenderly thundering clouds all around

Note 55 : Winter

Agnes was 3. There were dead leaves, sleeping, on the roof of my car. The sun whirled, twirled in a spin - got drunk and got lost in the milky way. Mom said milk and whisky was never a good combination. I wonder if sun's mother said the same.

"Dad, the sun was born - but that doesn't mean it had a mom"

She made me scrub that of my notepad.

Lily was 5. Songs - delightful, nostalgic, powerful, full of life and there after. Played and we danced. The moon looked misty, looked high. Among a bed of stars - in his old age he slept.

"Dad, you're old..the moon is not"

Scrubbed it off

I'm of some age, getting older. Like winters, long drawn out, snowy winters, who've past their usability. Surrounded by my fall and spring..

Scrubbing things off.

Hdk

Note 54 : The Cave

Mornings, in the new house we had moved, were fresh as daisies- fields with cold gutsy winds -  an empty white house, each morning - felt as i'd woken in my piece of heaven. The gate-keepers waved as i got it in - all it missed, were the angels singing, the flapping curtains - however, giggled at their absence

The  kids, i checked, were in their bunk beds, fast asleep - fragile - drops of dew on the winter leaf. In a forest, not too wild to be unsafe. The forest was me.

The furniture had not moved - the empty insides, it seemed were outside. When you walk in an empty house, the sounds, make you think you're in a cave,  drops of water, dripping in a distance. As you walk inwards - the house and the cave, make you their own. After a while you are the house, you are the cave. While you're still walking,  you are the heaven and you are the demons who rule it.
I made tea - thinking about this,  amidst this vast emptiness.

What am i turning into?

"Dad" - the shaitan, Agnes, woke up - the batman jersey, the cotton chappals - Walk said one King said other . Ruffled hair.

"Wheres my tea ?"

"Pirate mug - near the stove"

She walked up to me, hugged.

 Water stopped dripping, the cave disappeared, grass grew on the bony rock. The house and everything within it, grew and settled like they'd always been there - "like the oldest teak in the evergreen forests" said the fan

Kissing Ag, i asked her if she slept well -

" i was a volcano in yesterdays dream - i was like woooooshhhh" the saga began

" i was the beast in a mean old town - heaven " i mumbled

"Mavshi makes better tea than you Joe" ...

I smiled back. Its breakfast time

Note 53 : Everything you believe is real.

Agnes,

On an intense, deep, mournful, dark night – a night when the owls lost their hoot - she sat next to the wishing well. A well which swirled  - the whirlpool of water had ships, another twirl had some sharks – the third had the mightiest of waves.

Umbrellas, in a quiet rainy day – all by themselves, searching

Keys of a note, high and the lows, searching for ears

Fragrance, waiting, passionately, for someone to smell, Say …aah and be lost in time and space.

The moon, waiting to be howled at.

Books, those amazing mighty books – waiting for a pair of eyes.

The wishing well had all these wishes swirling, like little clouds in a blue sky, small puffs, floating amidst nothing – almost light headed, like a warm winter afternoon.

Amidst this silent nothing of a night – she saw in the wishing well a world of hope. There is, always a world waiting with bated breath right there for you. The world is a dream you see with open eyes Agnes.

Everything you believe is real.

The moon does smoke cigars, the clouds are the smoke rings, the giant sea-horse is restless and so waves are mere ripples. The chimpanzees are smarter than us. The queen is an alien overlord. Your cousin Aayush is a duck.

Your dad is 5000 years old.

Be good darling and believe and imagine. Our kingdom`s are in our heads.

Joe