Note 52 : A 28th December Christmas

I barged through the front door, stumbled with my keys - rang the bell..

"Merry Christmaaassss" I yelled - on auto pilot - Mavshi stared at me - Dead eyes, she did doubt my sanity and now i knew why. I smiled.

" Bache kaha hai?" (Where are the kids)

She pointed towards their room - Electrocution this time was guaranteed

I knocked.

Mavshi was waiting in excitement - she was the one who'd love to see sinners go to hell and right now, it seemed she was viewing my judgment day - live.

I knocked again -

"Speak friend and you shall pass"  yelled Agnes
(The lord of the rings analogy)

"Friend" i answered  and opened the door.

The courtroom :

Lil : What kinda Santa arrives on the 27th of December?

Me: ummm

Ag: Did they not teach you in school that kids especially amazing girls with radical superpowers need to be kept happy

Me: Ag, there was work

Lil opened the bag i had

Lil: Santa got us chips.

Mavshi was at the door - she was giggling - i think this situation right here was her Christmas gift

Me: its 2 am in the morning - the medical shops had no chocolates

Ag: you buy gifts for your children from a medical shop

Me: we will go out tomorrow and I'll buy whatever you want

Lil: Money, cannot buy you happiness Mr. Joshi - Christmas is when you spend time with your family

Ag: Now i think he has married some random chick and is spending time with her?

Lil : i think so to Agnes, he is tired of us

Me: don't do this kids - i promise - tomorrow is the new 25th
(They make me feel so stupid)

I'm sorry - i thot we'll have chips, I'll make you guys cold coffee and some pasta and we'll have a Hobbit megathon.

I admitted my guilt and was waiting for the verdict.  It started in two minutes.

Lil: No office for the rest of the year

Ag: No fone calls for the rest of the year, tell your girl friends you have kids

Me : Ok

They made me type the email for office leaves, hid my phone - i did have to make pasta and coffee, made tea for Mavshi

"Late zhala aahe, tumhala zophaicha nai" i asked her ( it's late dont you have to sleep)

"Its new years weekend kid" she said

The kids were teaching Mavshi English and i was impressed.

Hobbit started - two kids in two arms - hot coffee and pasta, and Christmas chips of course - Mavshi on her arm chair - snoring.

Ag: We are still mad at you, but the coffee is good

3 am on the 28th morning.

Christmas is when you want it to be.

Happy Christmas

Hdk

Note 51 : Humans killing Humans

“How did you let this happen dad?” they asked me, with eyes that screamed with disappointment and the anger that comes with it.

“How did this happen, in your watch, in our neighborhood, you read the papers – you talk about change – you talk about humanity – all you do is talk Dad, all you do is talk” – their love choosing softer words for them

“ You said lives matter, you talk about how kids are the future, you …. “ the outburst of words found its way through her eyes. Lily walked away, to her room, while Agnes – sat there. The emotional one`s get numb in times like these and the ones who fake being tough – suffer a breakdown.

“Di is just disappointed Joe” – Ag walked around and put her head on my lap

I hated being an adult and there were times when all 3 of us took turns, at being one – the shared burden. Today, none of us wanted to shoulder it.

Kids attending school -were killed in our neighboring country, a hundred and thirty – a bullet in each one`s body. Humans killing humans, I asked myself if this was new, no, was the immediate answer.
What was different? A line was crossed? Who gets to choose?

  Everyone everywhere is stretching boundaries, so were the terrorists. I felt disgusted at my own thought process. The stories we sell our brains to make-do with grief, end up defining our lives. The turmoil within me was nothing compared to what was in the house, I felt something was broken – a parent does not want to lose the innocence of his own child – but the world outside brutally wants its opposite. This time, it won.

I had nothing to tell them today, no great words. I was ashamed of being a human and letting myself exist among all this – I am one of them – if I am taking privilege in all that we have achieved  - I take the blame of all that is wrong. I take the blame of letting those guys kill kids. I let that happen.

I am guilty and someone please come and take me away.

“I`m sorry kids”

Note 50 : What next?

Soil or was it mud drizzled from my shoe as i took the next step.. My black walking stick slowly turned brown as the day passed...

The kids looked dog-tired - this was one hike that was a little not fun..was a little too tiring and was  when the silence was quiet ..

The trip was a gentle reminder that a shout in the void was unheard almost all the time - that heavens were not always above our heads..or was vertically moving forward .

A conversation with kids ended with me saying that you don't always build bridges over unruly waters .. You need to pass over calm waters too..

Another conversation was about how cockroaches in the house were having an early Christmas in our absence ..

Lily talked about my asthma and rued over my carelessness in not getting it treated .. Agnes kept talking in Spanish like English..

Sometimes the birds and the foliage spoke to the 3 of us..

We reached the unintended summit, there was no where else to go..we caught our breaths

 What do you do when you're done - i pondered  ..i looked at the kids..

Agnes was unpacking the tent.. Lil threw her back pack and slept on the grass.. They looked oddly comfortable when my mind wondered about things to do.. I was restless whilst  they enjoyed this little achievement..

Its easy to talk about living in the moment or is it?

My little tent, my 2 girls - this summit.

Joe

PS:

The night fell as those little giants fought, made up and at one point set the tent on fire - we ate noodles - we had fruit juice and the stars kept gazing down on us - shining on us.

"Live one day at a time my darlings " ended the fairytayle

Note 49 : Beyond good and evil

Lily,

What you need is a hug..an actual hug..one in which you'll dissolve and let it be.. I could give you that hug or someone else could..

I've lost the distinction between wrong and right ..a long time ago..

 I'm sure you haven't.

That is why all this bothers you and it doesn't bother me.. I feel nature has its way and if you resist - you pay. There is nothing that your instinct won't tell you.... It will answer all your questions.. But then you put it through your brains for processing and that - right there - you complicate.

God knows i have plucked flowers from gutters and sat down to smell them Lily.. The day i decided to stop my brain from overriding my instincts i free myself, my little girl..

We go through a lot in life - just make sure you make more things and break less - make sure you breathe more, call the moon - the night sun ...

 Love your father - oh, you do that already :)

And most importantly be good my love,


Joe

Note 48 : Rain - again

"... So you must spend a lot of time walking.. Its the best exercise.." It was a muggy day. Geography textbooks had suggested there would be an onset of winter.

Nature had other plans..

 I had just finished my lecture about walking 2-5 kms away from all the gadgets each day..
 "Why do u forget that you've grown old and we've not" Ag had pondered..

While i still continued lecturing.. Lil was doing what i do with a long conversation, agree with the points and let the sermon end.. I still continued.

You tend to do with your family what you can't do to others.

 The cloud union had decided to block the sun for the day.. and so the sweaty mugginess.. It was a wrong day for the right lesson.. Someone upstairs didn't agree and there was thunder..

Our faces grinned.

 I looked like a happy ogre..
 Ag looked like she found a new disaster.. (It made her happy) - a wide grin
 Lils eyes gleamed.

 A tiny droplet aimed at my nose, Ags heads and Lils hands - all conversation stopped as we all braced for an early Christmas - Rains. It is all a frame of mind, however the onslaught has the strength to turn gloom on its head to a bloom.

 While our fellow walkers ran for cover.. The 3 of us - stood - and gleefully got drenched - as tiny little water particles joyfully embraced the three of us and as plainly as that, made us happy !!

 Rains make us happy.

 And when we reached home - i got to boast - "anyone wanna walk tomoro"..

 " there goes the trumpet" quipped Lil ..

 Hdk

Note 47 : There's No Winning From Them..

The background music was this melodramatic drum roll. The type which moves from a climax to anticlimax and suddenly takes a beaten road into oblivion and ends with a whooshh...

Well, that was what was strumming in my head, nostril smelled of baby powder, hands baked in fresh baby poop and my pants smelled of pee..

What seems to be a wild night out is albeit the end result of a horribly placed gamble gone wrong..

Early in the day.

I was blatantly (a soft word) challenged by my younger one.  "If you really want to understand a woman, go babysit for a day"

Agnes was into a super feminist flavor of life. She smoked away debates...

A potentially harmless lunch side conversation had landed me a babysitting assignment. The debate was on the role of a man, woman in the society.

It was over before it even started, in my words a casual stroll in the park     landed me a trip down hell..

 "childbearing is a wrong association - but isn't that the design" i began elegantly..

What followed was a beating of my life. All the women I've had in my life (yes, for dinner) scare me. And when they gang up - I'm but as screwed up as a man who's married..

"Your base is full of male chauvinism - how can you blame it on the design - when the responsibility is shared" ...

"The design of a bullet and gun; but its still the person who presses the trigger whose held responsible... How can you blame the dead ?"

My head start to hurt; "okay, okay shared responsibility .. I hear you"

"Can we eat?"

"No dad, prove us that you believe - show us your shared responsibility"

"I have the bullet and the gun - get me my target" i chuckled..

"Horrendous dad !!" Lil said in disgust...

"We'll get you a kid and you will have to baby sit it for a day and come out clean"...

" why do you need proof, don't you already know - guys I've raised you with my bare hands - practically "

I heard Mavshi cough from the kitchen. "Alright, you helped me too" - i coughed back

So much for girl power in my house, i wondered.

"Yea, so the kid across the street - I'll ask his mom to leave him to you and then you share the responsibility"

"Woah..woah..woah... Why would i wanna baby sit someone else's baby - i told you guys - i agree, we are all responsible"

"Tomoro from morning"...why did i have to teach them to be adamant

" ok, lets do this - what do i get if i sail through "

"We will be proud of you isn't that enough" That brat Ag..

The next day, i loaded up on nappies, baby powder, some YouTube lessons on manhandling kids (hah).

"Eye of the tiger" played in my head all along.. I underrated the immense complexity of the whole deal.

Lil n Ag were easy to raise .. The new age kids, it seems walk right through the corridors of hell.
They are sly, wicked and downright cunning and ace at emotional blackmail with their usp the "puppy face"

I came back home that night exhausted, Lil opened the door with a curt smile - Ag was on the chair - hands in pocket- a wide grin which asked me if that was all i got.. I made a grumpy face (had to tell them i was mad at them) and walked to my room as they burst out into laughter..

I yelled "well played" as i accepted defeat and prepared for round two..

Hdk

Note 46 : Reminiscing, dancing

The night stuck around like pictures stuck with glue, the dark clouds made for that perfect page from Lily's scrapbook. A restless chirping bird reminded of Agnes.

I remembered a night at the music concert of my favorite band. My little girls were dancing away in glory, in unbound happiness. If you have ever watched kids dance, you'll realize how their careless giggles, the endless feet tapping, how magically their body moves to the sound of music - absolutely crazy, which surprisingly takes you off to this happy, this really wonderful place, where you're doing nothing but gleaming at all the happiness around

Lily dancing around in circles, Agnes jostling and jumping and bumping , and both of them, it seemed were gleefully drunk in doing this.

So, i joined, been uptight all my life, i wasn't really the dancer. But these beautiful women accommodated me, taught me. 

Taught me how to dance. Taught me how to be carelessly happy. How to forget about world for a while and dance away with people who take you to this happy place.

There were 10 people in that little concert. 7 it seemed stayed on earth. The other 3, quiet noticeably had made a trip to heaven and left some part of themselves back there and had traveled back.

I too in the middle of this cloudy night, made a trip to that little place in the head and relived it. They are both traveling and away from home - so im filling this emptiness with these rolls from head.

Click - the second one begins.

Hdk

Note 45 : The mist - the fog

Lil says when there's mist ... a dense fog.. The ghosts which traveled through the night to dance with the clouds, seemed to have overstayed their presence. Clouds not wanting to part with them, lock them in, in their homes - the atmosphere.

And as the day turns, the clouds block the sun to save her love - the fog. The dull grey - absorbs human souls - as the dullness spreads into the human heart. And as it burns - there's wisps of smoke - mating with the fog and then there's an unnatural orgy of the clouds, the fog and the smoke.

Cause even in the absence of the sun - the world burns..

The clouds for the fog..
The fog for a taste of freedom..
Humans - well, they were born to burn. Burn into smoke.

Lily



hdk

Note 44 : Flip it on

"you just have to flip the light on -"

A literature class had Lily thinking about love and why people would die for it. Even Shakespeare couldn't convince her - the everdoubting woman.

"Why would someone say a lie, why then Romeo would poison himself and then why would Juliet kill herself..this just doesn't make sense."

I had to choose my words.."Sugar, there are times when an idea grips the mind..and it grips it so subtly that you would not realize when those vines have reached the corners of your mind - the unconscious and made it their home.

So when the trees are slashed, as they so often are, the roots which have taken hold in your mind - forced to recoil - drag you to bad corners. You remember good corners & bad corners right.(another lecture on positive n negative thots). So the bad corners ruled their minds and then, there was also the confusion..

Nobody asked them 2 to look ahead..at the light..so they did what they did "

"did they not know they had to flip the light on"

"no, sweetie..no one told them that"..

Hdk

PS: "no one told me that too, I've learnt all the life.lessons the hard way (self pity, loathing, the dirt)... Walk, fall in the pit, drag your way out. But love, this pit I never came out - coz I had company there - or so I thot - it never was a pit at first - just an eyewash - I later realized...

Still searching for the button.. Wat if it doesn't want to be flipped on.." my mind thinks on"

Hdk

Note 43 : Birds

Curtains flapped in the morning wind, her notorious excitement was visible as she played with the orange, the blue, the yellow and the grey curtains.

Flap flap flap – was the only sound I heard as my chaotic sleep broke into my silent morning – I felt disoriented at the sudden change in the surroundings.

As i came to my senses - I checked on the girls –

“yes, birds can fly" came a voice, "but why do you think they have nests” said the realist Capricon - Lily

"fair point" - my mind said

“but they do get to fly and fly and roam around and be flying” – Ag countered

"equally true" - my mind said again

“but they do come back to their nests – their homes and that is my point – even though they can fly endlessly anywhere they want – they do come back to the place they call home – they do have a center, so we can be birds too – go wherever we want to and come back home”

“but I don’t want to come back – I want to keep roaming – like a bird”

The curtains stopped flapping – I was a bystander.

Agnes had written in her blog about being free as a bird and never having to settle down – keep flapping – remain boundary-less. Lil surprisingly found that discomforting/unrealistic - you know her-  which led to this clash of ideas.

“..and birds too sometimes must think they should be humans – humans might be the gods to them – for all you know”

“Ahem..” the oldest man in the house cleared his throat..

“Joe, I want to be a bird and Lily does not want me to become one..” making that face which told me she thot her elder sister was crazy..

Lil looked at me in revolt – wondering which side I would take

“we can be anything we want as long as our minds are in place – if you want to be a bird – be a bird and fly – be a snail and enjoy the little things – be the clouds and float around in gloriously blue skies – be different every single day and I do say that being human can sometimes be a bit tardy and boring” – I said yawning..the diplomat coming to the fore.

“…and if you are a bird you can aim your droppings on the heads of people you don`t like..hahah” I chuckled, thus closing the argument..

“this has to go in the blog …mwhahaha” – Ag started frantically typing

“..am I the only grown up in this house” – Lil sighed, shaking her head - a grin hidden in those cheeks - as she went back to concentrating on her fone.,

The curtains started flapping again  - the silence this time was happy. I went to the kitchen to get some nutrition into my girls – as a pigeon somewhere made plans to aim that dropping on my head.

hdk

Note 42: We`ll age in a village..

For the day never really begins without looking at them..i'd live without a day of sunshine..

We were at a village this time, a sleepy one at that, where the mosquitoes too, it seemed - when they sat on human skin - took a straw - a flavor and some barbeque and then sucked bloody whiskey.

Everybody had extra hours, clocks too had time off, as the seconds slowed down, yawned and ticked away.

The cows grazing on the lush green field ..reminding me of heavens.. It was a silent lullaby drowning me into a fragrant sleep..

"And i would turn a hundred and seventee years old here" said Ag -numbers had recently become her passion and there had to be a math behind it. One that was not meant for dreamy Saturday mornings..

Lil had slept reading a book, she opened her eyes and continued reading - sleep was just a necessary distraction - Sophie's world was wat she was reading - "who am i, papa" she asked - i smiled back

"you must know where to look..."

"Look witheeeennnn " added Agnes

Lil tapped the book and dived back into Sophie's world - looking for answers..

Basis a "finding roots" initiative, parents and kids of the school had found themselves in a village.

 While the others complained about the lack of electricity, the women of my house were searching for constellations in the night sky...

While they clicked pictures of the indigenous, the girls spoke to them - sharing a way of life.

"Why do we need cities pa, when the village way is so nourishing?' Lil asked on our final night - as we took one last walk down the village road -

" Humans Lil don't know where to stop, where to call it a day and see what has been accomplished. We dont have to do whatever we can.."

"It is our choices, far more than our abilities that decide who we truly are.. So my dear Lily, you are the choices you make"..quoting Dumbledore

She grabbed my hand and continued to gaze the stars..

Agnes..a few steps ahead..was in a Marley mood ..

" my feet is my only carriage..
so I've got to push on through.. "

Said she to the glowing night.

Hdk

Note 41 : Breathing

The place had no power..but there was a lot rain. “wet rain Daddy” Ag said – correcting me…you would have to be brave enough to ask her what the difference was, I wasn't .

India`s northeast was where we were, the place had a dampness of its own. The green moss which crawls over the stones, road edges and moist walls – slowly somehow crept into your heart and made its home – they wouldn`t mind even if you were bone dry, they just want some place – to house in and call it home. Wild pines creep over the poles – wrapping the iron with love. Small puddles made houses in the bazaar road – tiny fishes joyfully jumped in – the muddy camouflage being made full use of. Among them there was a group of mosquitoes who plotted a disease.

The house we had rented – did not have a power generator – and was ancient, the power tripped at the slightest hint of rain and this was one such day.  When there was no light, the house had more people – we called them shadows. The natural light was partial to the part of the house which had no walls – rest was darkness coupled with more dampness. Oxygen had a flavor around these parts and the aroma was mesmerizing – the place wanted us to breathe for the smell of ground was the fragrance of life.

“Papa wen the I look up though the bathroom vent, I see god, I see why they say let there be light – coz one ray steals the glory of the dark – whereas darkness needs its entirety to be complete.” Lil said

“Yes my dear, but isn`t light the perception of you God – because you want to escape the darkness – isn’t that the sole idea of god….”

“to find us things we cant get for ourselves” she interrupted

“If there is a god, I bet he is a bully and a sadist – judging by his powers and is egoist as he needs to be praised all the time to do his job” Agnes this was..

There was a dull cloud crackle and a sound of thunder.

Ag moved back to the shrubs that had grown right outside our ancient house – cause she felt the frogs thought thunder was music and would come out to dance..”..and i`ll dance with them too”

Lil took her chair and glasses and poured over a Dante book – “the divine comedy” it was.

They both had found their gods which would take care of them – the wisdom of nature and the company of great men –

Why would I say the place had no power, the place was full of energy – the one that`s not too strong, not too bright – but the one that would get your feet moving to music, the one which will happily put you to sound – snory sleep..

Hdk

Note 40 : Lights

Those lil fingers grabbed my hand...

As he wrapped them around mine...

Looked at me and gave that wondrous smile..it's then that u realize..that u have to live for people that love u unconditionally..unbound by any pretense any misjudgment...

And u have to live for people who have r happie to see u..happy to make u happy.. And believe in the person that is u...

A 2 year old kid taught me this lesson..as he went to sleep with a smile on his face..holding the mans hand whom he looked up to and being there for him wen he needed him d most..

 As he continues to smile even when he dreams..he asks me to b around wen he's back from school tomorrow and I say yes and the smile broadens as I kiss his forehead and off to bed he is.

People who believe in you, empower you - make you achieve and strive for the impossible. Light up the way ahead !!

I have a lot to learn from him. My ladder to the sun .

Hdk

Note 39 : Hippies

"you dont have to raise them like hippies..vagabonds..
Why raise them as your mirror.. Get them into civilization" my aunt proclaimed..

"why?" I asked..

"I let them choose their dreams..their life.. For I want them to be like the wild flower..not something they build in a laboratory.. I dont want uniformity in their thots..I want them to go with the flow..and I dont want them to be bound by the definition of this world..fall in a life cycle..which they call.. They will be what they are and not what the world wants them to be.."

She shrugged off..

"it's only for the books of yours .. This isn't how life is. "

The women came into the room..

Ag, she looked a farmer..post her gardening routine..there was no finishing to her..a bird perched on a tree and that is how she had to be..

Lil, a semi torn shirt she loved..and something of a skirt.. Glasses.. And she was your college professor..

"wassup" she asked the aunt..

A shrug was wat she got for an answer..

Ag smiled and waved it off.."humans!!" she sighed

I broke into hysterically laughter ..

my mirrors.. well they are..

Me

Note 38 : Fathers day notes

They are all that is to life... Life support more like..

The road I travel, the middle ground...
with green fields on one end..sun blazing..the road, hence, shining..

That's where they are..my girls

The other end, a bottomless pit that this world is . - We'll not talk about it today..

Two little cubs, lionesses some days and floating doves on others..As summer breeze and warmth in snow..

Calling me paapaa..Joe.. Daddy !! The protective wall..the invisible blanket..selfless love..

Do you need walls in an empty house, the blanket undefined without those who cuddle beneath it.. Love..just a word unless reciprocated..

I am what my girls define me to be.. Younger in their mischiefs ..older in covering them..

So, on fathers day, it's them I'm thankin.. It's them am asking to celebrate. Because what is a mind without thots, and thots they are..pretty little dancing fairy frock thots.

Hdk 

Note 37 : At the beach

Sand – the moist one was her favorite – with the waves lashing – the breeze as gentle as cotton – the ocean singing a song of old days – the birds adding notes to the ballad – the performing nature in its element. As the kids and me- enjoy the show - resting on a Saturday evening. Ag, workmanish, with the beach kit, builds her castles – a bridge over the lost stream which strayed away from the mother ocean. Meticulously, I see her add tower after tower – one has a minaret – the other is a rigid column, the third one looks like a cone ( I dare not ask – lest it be something else and I have my eyesight and my knowledge on structures doubted) . They should let kids design buildings – screw them learned architects. Learning make you lose the originality She added the a patch for the garden – the end result was spectacular – a child`s imagination is the most beautiful thing in the universe. The complete picture was not pleasing to the eye, however, when you looked at the parts you would see the beauty of it –in the detail - she had built a horse stable, dad`s reading room, Lily`s badminton area – her garden patch of course – mavshi`s quarters – every little detail so diligently crafted. And the work was still in progress… On the other side – Lil had made the fin & tail of the mermaid in the sand – around her legs to her stomach – as she entered her design – she did look like one – the cutest of them all. Her arms and upper body human and followed by the sand fins and the tail. “and I would swim and swim and swim and swim.. “ she sang. On the beach, I had a castle with horses and a mermaid for a daughter – what more is there to life – I wonder.. The breeze grew stronger as earth it seems gulped the sun down and twilight followed. Hdk

Note 36 : Guest Author : As life goes on...

A harmless Sunday night. Family time for them as they have followed for the last 17 years. Agnes, now 17, had grown up to a cute girl while Lily, turning19 this year, exactly looked like her mother, as beautiful, mature and elegant. It was Joe's 50th birthday in 2 days and Lil and Ag had some surprise for him.

"Good evening my lovely ladies", Joe said as he entered the dining area with spiced potatoes and some Indian  made Italian pasta.

"Good evening", Lil said as she kissed his left cheek and helped him in setting the table ready for supper.

Joe looked at Ag. She did not respond as she was lost somewhere in her own world which was quite usual for both of them to see.

Lil poked

It seemed as if someone just pulled her back from another planet altogether – she seemed soaked – full of thots. She was trying to hide something, that's what Ag could see, Joe was noticing it for 2-3 days. The devil was not as mischievious and lively as she used to be. The one who used to bring life with her presence itself was quiet.

Joe and Lil sat next to her. Lil kept her arms around her shoulders, "what's it woman?" Joe started,

"what is keepin you – tell us – you know what bother`s one – bother`s all – tell us"

After a momentary pause.

"Why did mumma leave us all?",

She questioned as tears rolling down her pink cheeks. Joe looked at her with a mix of many emotions- grief, sadness, confusion – the helplessness in his bones all these years – it seemed had formed words and was now demanding answers.

 "Ag", Lil screamed at the top of her voice, pulling herself off Ag, "that was a promise and was never meant to be broken, why did you ask that question. You know how it bothers him. How could you - You are..."

"A minute Lil", interrupted Joe

Ag ran towards her room. Rage, disappointment, or whatever that emotion was. She locked the room, Joe could hear the sound in the dining room. Now he has both his daughters to be handled, fragile and a label 'handle with care'. Lil was mature and could be spoken with at a later point while Ag was short at temper, reacted easily without thinking. She should be handled first. Lil cried inside hugging the pillow. The only problem was that her bemoaning was silent she was just too strong to let herself be heard.

Lil left a preganant pause behind her in the dining room. Joe was coming up with questions and answers in his mind and was dropping them for it did not seem to be convincing enough. Finally he started,

"Agnes, look at me. I want to tell you a story."
Ag looked at him and he wiped tears off her eyes,

"I`ve finally seen a dragon cry” J

“Ok, listen to the story now, carefully. There used to be a king long back. He was kind hearted. The people of his kingdom loved him. His wife, the queen, was a very beautiful lady. The king loved her a lot for she had stood by him in all his battles – within and with the world. The king had a lovely daughter who was 1 and a half and they were expecting the second child. Three months more and their second child will be in their world adding one more colour to their lives. Exactly then, a war broke out, the neighboring king had attacked his kingdom, he had to leave. It took around 4 months for him to return. He won the war but lost something bigger than life. The palace had never been this quiet. The silence was piercing his ears, his heart pounding, the marks across his right cheek from the war was clearly visible. He stepped into his bedroom and found his mother with two girls, one was the 2-year old, the other one was the one-month old infant.

The king smiled and stepped forward to touch her while inquiring about the queen. 

There was a letter it said,

' Dear, I am leaving forever as I do not love you anymore. It's not that I am betraying you, it's just that I do not have anything or any feelings for you. I just do not love you. Please try to understand. Good-Bye. Take care of yourself and our daughters.'

And the king sat there devastated, numb for sometime, cried for a few hours. It was already next day, he sat down next to the newborn daughter, as her tiny little fingers clutched his fingers, his pain lessened and he decided to live for his daughters, give all his love to them. He appointed one of his chief ministers the caretaker of the empire and left with his daughters to a place far from his kingdom. He tried to be a mom, dad, brother, friend everything to them and thought he was successful too. But you know what Agnes, he failed, he failed, badly, in all his responsibilities. His love was not enough, his power as a king was not enough even. You see Ag, sometimes we fail and I think its ok , even if you are the richest and most powerful man, you fail to win a woman. Her heart is as deep as a sea and a man can never reach the core. I...i...i..aa..aa..i..."

 He could not speak, tears rolled down his cheeks.

Ag said,"Papa, you know what you are the only man I expect never to hurt me, you're the best!"

Joe smiled.

"I think we had enough melo-family-drama, can we eat please...! I'm famished...ummmm?", Lil spoke and the entire family broke into laughter.

Anupama Pandey

(edits by Hdk – for the original version please contact her)

Note 35 : Another brick in the wall

“…all in all its just a nother brick in the wall…” – she screamed as she left the school compound – I dragged her out.

Flashback.

Heading towards a mid-year close – the students of the school in which my daughters studied had a rough time – cramming all the little, insignificant, rusted - history dates – the barbaric deaths – the insanity in human wars – and of course finding “x” – all the useless things that would not bother them in their quest for survival – in this life – but it was part of the drill – I was ashamed of my own self to let my kids go through the very useless cramming – I`d have them read and understand something of reason.

However - They were still trying their best – Lily`s efforts were muffled – not growling – but an intense dislike developing in her heart – Ag – the loud one – was grumbling and the very syllabus that was present in front of her – I try to console

 “just these few years – when in college we would choose on what subjects we study and we would get rid of all these dummies”

“but why this nonsense paa”

I just shook my head !! – the education system is a national shame.

“I`ll beat them at their own game” – Ag said..

“Go for it !!”

------

I forgot she did !!

-------

On a rainy day in a couple of months – the results were out – Agnes had done something spectacular - in a quest to prove a point we often out do our own-selves.

She topped the exams !!

While being felicitated – on the mic – Agnes was the new Floyd –

“We don`t need no education” – came the rumble..- “what the hell” I thought

“We don`t need no thought control” – came the thunder “not good, not good” came the next thot..

“No dark sarcasm in the classroom” – the matchstick started the fire..”this is not real” – I was laughing..

The entire felicitation hall erupted “Teacher`s leave them kid`s alone”….. Fire finally broke out !!

“Hey, teacher – leave them kids alone !!!” ..

“All in all its just another brick in the wall “ – I yelled form the audience.

There was panic and the principal asked Ag to step down

“All in all it`s just another brick in the wall” – in the background..

and asked her to leave the hall – while the other students had just started reciting - …The felicitation was cancelled.

Pointe proved.

Hdk

Note 34 : A birthday jingle

Happy birthday Lily.

Conquer the world Lily

The flower is fragrant and so are you..

Shining new

My lily dew..

Like a purry cat..meaw mew

There's no one like you..

in the spanning ocean blue.

Happy birthday, Lily hue,

Happy birthday little Lily dew.


Hdk

Note 33 : When they out-think me..

That moment when you have eyes still shut from the sleep but you've woken up..while u become aware of the surroundings ... there I knew I had overslept...the previous night - I did sleep knowing it was my day off the next morning..

The girls weren't home it was summer camp..

So it was over sleeping time..

No school.. No Tiffin boxes..no rushing to meet school times..the morning mass..

I did get a start looking at the time..but then peace reigned..I made tea - the morning newspaper - d fone call to the girls..

I went over to their room.. Found a note on Ags bed.. She had written my entire morning schedule..

"and after reading the note and laughing out..he will go to his room and add this letter to the scrap book .. Where he has all the little things he likes - like this note" ..

She wrote

"Joe will wake up and head towards the kitchen brushing his teeth and make tea.
 Me and Lily have a bet over whether he will spill the tea on the gas and mavshi will have a routine complaining session of how you are careless - we love it when she does that.. Since it is Saturday you will read the paper for an hour and then stand in d garden and after looking at how well I have maintained it, you will give us a call - you'll ask us to have a good time and take care and then you'll have a need to be around our things and you will risk electrocution and enter our rooms and will find this note and now ure smiling reading it..."

They outthink me and how glad I am that they do.

I did put the letter in the scrap book.


Hdk

Note 32 : I`ll be back in no time

"honey, dads gonna b gone for just a few days..they need me there..

And I will bring the bat-mobile for you when I'm.back..please ..please please please"

I plead to Agnes..she is making her angry face - adorable that she is ..I make my "daddy also hates it but has to do it" face so that she understands..

I go to Lily.."sweetie.. Take care of Ag n urself..B on time for school..cycle carefully..the extra money is where I always keep it..but please stick to Mavshi's food..and dont harass your masi ok - daddy loves u"

"travel safe dad" she says..

I never realized how being the elder sister made Lily so responsible of everything..I was proud of her and I knew that both my girls would take care of each other..

There were truckful of instructions given to both from a day prior to me leaving..and it never stopped till right wen I was at the railway station..

I had put sticky notes on the refrigerator writing down all important numbers the doctors, mavshis , my alternate contact, relatives etc ..

I am a nervous dad..

At the station me and Ag are talking abt her batmobile while I also hold Lilys hand.. The coolie is behind holding my luggage..I just wanna keep talking to the girls..

The train whistle goes off..I kiss them on their foreheads.. Does business travel have to be so difficult..
..i let mavshi take them home..

I'm gonna miss them..miss them soo much..

"I'll be back in no time" I whisper almost silently..



Hdk

Note 31 : of bribes and white flags...

" is it another 12 hour workday dad?" she called me at work at asked

"Yes, sweetie dads almost leaving..what should I get you wen I'm back" I bribed..

"Nothing today, just come home, Me n ag are waiting for dinner" she said curtly

" why haven't you kids had dinner yet" I sighed ..

Lil n me had this exact same conversation every day.. It had been 3 weeks since the workaholic in me came to life ..again..

There was hardly anytime for the kids..

I came home, 11pm the clock read, they were at the dinner table, exhausted and hungry..

"why" I asked myself..

I hurriedly changed and joined the grumpy angels at the dinner table..

Deathly silence amplified as food was served..

"so who's on for the X-Men this weekend" I tried to cover my guilt up..

Silence, the two had ganged up against me.

"mavshi's getting old, theres no.salt in the food !!" attacking their favorite lady..

Ag passed on the jar with a bang..

My tired mind - looking for a.way to break the ice..

"the heat is catching up on the garden Agnes, we must probably build a roof"

Nothing..

So I surrender..

"okay, I promise I'll be in by 7 tomorrow and we will go out for dinner and then a walk on the terrace and ice cream. Please talk !!" I gave up and they were convinced..

"okay" they both said, together.

"xmen will be good in 3d so we will have to go to cinemax" Ag added... It was the farthest movie theater and I always preferred the one next to the house..but

"yes, cinemax is the best" white flag in both hands..

They both smiled.. So did I..

You outplay the biggies in the world and 2 cute little pretty women bring you down with a smile..

Hdk, ag and lil.

Note 30 - A home away from home

A flock of parrots ..at a distance..from d balcony outside.. competing over who'll screeches the loudest... My own two doves.. enthralled ... The noise in the house at it's highest decibels.. .Travelling by train .was as good as Disneyland for the women in my house.. Ms. Agnes the courageous.. Ms.Lily the brave.. A 1000 mile train journey and the day it was announced ..preparations started on a grand scale in my little kingdom.. "Di the ipod..." "hey, can u return my book" " why did u have to give tat tshirt for ironing dad" "can I carry a canvas papa?" "if Lily is having such a big bag..I will too" their own secret talks which I'm not supposed to know.. And then they have to look at me and smile as I have this worried expression on my face "they've gone crazy" this one thot is me.. .. The travel to the station is not without its share of excitement.. Halfway.. we had to take d auto back... Agnes had forgotten Hugsy ..the bear.. "so hurry, or you'll not get to do anything u have planned" I commanded as we rushed onto the station.. We make it to the train with Hugsy. And the promised stop to the railway bookstore for the comic.. ..I've taken the train which takes d farthest route..I want to spend time with the girls.. In their company..it's gonna b two days.. Entirely with them with Indian Railways... I'll have home away from home.. We hav space for ourselves.. The girls take the top ones and I'm left to choose from either of the two that are below.. Chai chai chai..enter the first guest ..the chaiwala (teaseller) Agnes..tries to imitate him as he goes.. U take d pitch high..close ur nose.. And sing.. Chhhhaaiiii ... chhaaaiiyyee .. chaiieeeeeeee. Me n lil follow suit and the entire family is selling tea..The entertainer has us in splits ..the food carnival has just begun as we have.. Chips, ice cream, flavored milk.. Bhel.. Everything they sell at the platform.. Junk - non junk.. the father for a change as irresponsible as the little girls .. Being happy makes u hungry.. They ran up and down in the compartment..they are friends with everyone who's in the boogie.. Everyone loves angels.. We sleep  -the train chugs on.. Lily with JKRowling by her side.. Ag has her Hugsy...Me -just peaceful on a day well spent.. I stand by the train door - sinking in the music of the moving train and the train tracks. Lil,  the next morning..is sitting there by the window ..looking out.. In deep thought...What do kids think about I wonder..As I go by her side..she takes my arm..wraps her around it..and closes her eyes.. Ag, jumps from the top...snuggles in - her head now on my lap.. As my two hands brush my two lives... They get some morning sleep..in sunshine.. Home is where the heart is.. Home is where your peace is.. Home is where I find that sometimes... You dont have to walk..or run.. Sometimes you have to go to sleep and let angels watch over you... Hdk

Note 29 : Lily. Blossoming :)

Lily grew up one day..

Everything happens some day..right...

She travelled to a foreign land, she was at that tipping point in life when you have different glasses, one full - the another half full - some glasses she didn't even want...some with wine..others with bitter medicines..

A letter from those days..

Dad,

This place is so new, but I still feel at home. The people are new but I still connect with them..
Life is so different here, I'm touched.. You know how I keep saying that we are but boats sailing through time.. I would love to anchor my boat here dad.. If for sometime..just a while..

I found an inner quiet, inner peace - my ever humming mind..slept peacefully - like a well fed child.. I was probably smiling in my sleep.. I'm.no longer jumpy dad.. I feel satisfied.

I have a lot to look forward to in life, but at this very moment. I can say I'm satisfied..

The sun is not too strong, the rain is not too heavy..and the wind dad.. The wind is alcoholic..I'm high all the time.. It's so blissful..

You always taught me to breathe deep,savor every moment.. I'm doing exactly that...Breathin in every street..everyone..

I sometimes feel like a baloon..and I'm floating..in the uninhabited skies.. Happily..

I do miss you..but I carry you in my heart.. Always..

Take care dad and dont worry about me.. Give my love to Agnes..

Lily. Blossoming :)


Hdk

Note 28: Your daughter thinks i`m a crow

"so the pigeon sleeps with his eyes closed..
And it does not sleep sleep..
It is sitting while it is sleeping.. "

Agnes was wondering how could it possibly happen..

"Now, I will have to check how parrots, sparrows and peacocks sleep..this is interesting"..

It was family breakfast time, Ag had woken up early (what she calls the evening of the morning or something like that) and had noticed the pigeons sleeping patterns

"Even Yadav sir, our Hindi teacher sleeps while he is sitting" Lil added

"Then, maybe he turns into a pigeon at night ..so he is not a human and is a pigeon Di" Ag wondered

"But he is dark Agnes, at nights he probably turns into a crow.. So he is an Animagus"

Enter Harry Potter..

"hmmm, we will have to ask this to him in school today"

Ag replied..

I was staring wildly at the two of them, just hoping it was a joke.. (I never clarified, " daddy u never get our jokes") ..because if it wasnt I would have to take time out for another school trip..

An interesting conversation with Yadav sir perhaps, " your daughter's think I am a crow" ..
"and are you" I would inquire.

Haha


Hdk

Note : 27 - A fairytayle within a fairytayle

…late on a real lazy Friday night … the clock said 2 am.. I hopped off my work-office-home desk...bidding adieu to the open work machine..”see you tomoro love”  machines too need their love – just a little bit.. we spend days – and on occasions such as these – even nights - with them – I give them the love they deserve, just for hanging around – helping me work..

I walk back to the door – peek through – I see two lovely ladies – peacefully – carelessly – safely, sleeping and probably dreaming away..a sight for sore eyes – I smile as I walk towards the kitchen door – fill a glass full of milk – gulp it down and walk back to dear sleep.

My minds playing a silent song in the head – maybe its Clapton – Running on Faith..

The rooms pretty ordinary - for my own sake – except for flashes where the girls have redecorated - the curtains..the bed sheet – the only color in an otherwise grey existence.

I hear some movement from next door and then I see Agnes come down to my room –

“what happened sugar? Bad dream ?”

“no daddy, sleep wont come – can u tell me a story  - dad cooked”

“dad – cooked” I smile – she`s got her wit at 2 am -  “!!Ok honey ” I lift her in my arms –
“Boy, she`s growing”, I wonder

“ which one today – I ask –

The one with the gummy bear?? “ she shakes her head – Reject..

“the one with the little boy who could sing to stars as they went to bed” – head-shake again – Reject

“the one with the mermaid – fishes – crabs and the bird?”

After a deep thought – she says “hmm – ok” – I had expected a yes – but women/little girls J

She rested her head on my shoulder – arms wrapped around – I paced in the moonlit balcony and I begin – a fairytayle within a fairytayle –

“Not so long ago – it was a wild wild summer – the trees went brown and withered, the skies –cloudless and burning – like the heavens were on fire – earth was bone dry and the warmth – disappeared from the human heart and entered the brain like a lava – people became shrewd and forgot how to love. There still lived among such men – one other – who still believed in standing up for what was good – who still believed the motor of the world was not be stopped but rekindled with joy and passion.”

“he never said it – he played around like others – trying to always do the right thing – spread happiness – nurturing the human within. Always walking – in search for things to search… On one such day when the unrelenting sun – bathed the ground below – with light – a mermaid walked those lands – she was one who would survive both on land and water - under the seas where no human ever went – she belonged to a different place – one of her kind – she was.

The man and the mermaid happened to meet – just like that – on a busy road – when he looked at her – he realized she too was searching – searching for something she did not know she had lost.

They spoke.

Quietly at first – as strangers, with interest a while later – like acquaintances, with a new found cheerfulness some more time later – as friends and then they spoke like the clouds to the sun – engulfing one another – like the winds talking to the trees – like 2 people who were sure they were-not meeting for the first time – as though they had travelled through lives together – journeyed through ages and it was time in this life to walk together – hand in hand.

When they were done – on the 7^th day – the sun relented – clouds formed and seemed like rain.

“The water`s calling you dear woman” – the man said

“But i`ve never been there”

“let me take u there and then you`ll find you home – because that is where you belong” – coz there are times when a shining candle to forgets its own significance in the dark around – it has to be reminded – that all the light there is – is because it shines.

He took her to the seas – took her hand and they took dip – the thirst quenched.

She swam – swam like the first time a child draws breath – the gratification – for the lands were not her – the sea`s were. Her gills breathed life into her and the gills fluttered like a happy child. The fishes greeted her – the crabs played music – with their claws – the dolphins sang – the weeds danced –seas horses galloped -  father ocean was throwing a party his daughter had returned -   

The clouds now dense – the sun was to be sent on a holiday.

It rained. Flowers grew.

The mermaid swam away.

The man walked from where he had left off – “I`ll always be around” the mermaid last said – he only wished she would – for the oceans were vast and her dreams were many.

The oceans were vast and her dreams were many”

The moon still shone bright – Agnes – had slept off – while the mermaid swam – I put her to bed and covered her with her Pooh bear blanket.

The next day morning – she told Lily the exact same story.

“Was that man you daddy” – Lil asked.

 

-          hdk

Note 26 : it's baking camp, daddy

"Global warming has reached its pinnacle, you can see it around you" she began..

"the entire city is fried - and dont you blame the sun - blame yourself" her argument about how humans were the architects of their own disasters, she was right. A may summers day, school had a vacation summer nature camp - which turned out more like a "it's baking camp, daddy"

Agnes, the outspoken, gave a lecture as the camp ended to the already baked campers.

It really was a wild summer - even adaptable humans found it tough. "so you switch on your ACs and assume everything is ok. The birds, animals and trees cannot do that" she blasted "and my daddy says, no one, no body should face the bad consequences of our actions, then why let them suffer for what we have done"

A list of strict do's and dont's followed.

When she came home she was miffed, she jumped on my lap - head on my chest - arms wrapped around me. As I sat straight to accommodate her and make her more comfortable, I brushed her hair and asked what happened.

She told me the entire deal,

 "I'm worried about the planet papa.. I love my garden"


My kid understands and the world doesn't. I sighed.

"Ag, honey, can we control wat others do?" she gently shook her teddy like little head

"right, but even so - we can do what is right and wait for them to take notice - right ? and then that speech was so good - did u write it or did it just come" I tried to lighten her up -

 "I'm not Lil didi" she poked fun, winking slightly

 " it just came paa" - "it was excellent, well done, am.I not proud of you !! And I hear u scared others my holding a garden snake in your hands"

" hahaha" she leapt out of the lap " they needed a lesson on how wild could the wild get when they get mad at humans"

A lesson well learnt.

Hdk

Note 25 : The old man who couldn`t cry

He was quiet old, his cheeks drooped..his eyes were watery.but he walked straight, his voice was hoarse..He was in town because his eldest sister had died..

"Its good she passed away, her suffering had to end.." he spoke practically - maybe to his own self .."you know life is strange, things come to you when they are meant to be,.all you have to do is meet it, smile at it and let all of it pass"

Lil and Ag at the dinner table were listening him talk..

"she was the closest thing to a mother I had"

Reminiscing - as his entire life passed thru his eyes..

"so, it's strange how life is -just let it pass" having seen a lot of life..he had a lot of life lessons to talk abt.

Later, Agnes asked, " why wasn't he crying, his own sister died"

Ag didnt like him much.. He should have cried - she felt

"Ag, he still remembered her - he traveled all the way for her, not everyone cries- not everyone shows how they feel - sometimes honey you just have to understand" I said

"he still carried her last letter in his bag" Lil said - understanding every word and helping me conclude..

Not all men cry, some just don't know how to.

Hdk