Note 51 : Humans killing Humans

“How did you let this happen dad?” they asked me, with eyes that screamed with disappointment and the anger that comes with it.

“How did this happen, in your watch, in our neighborhood, you read the papers – you talk about change – you talk about humanity – all you do is talk Dad, all you do is talk” – their love choosing softer words for them

“ You said lives matter, you talk about how kids are the future, you …. “ the outburst of words found its way through her eyes. Lily walked away, to her room, while Agnes – sat there. The emotional one`s get numb in times like these and the ones who fake being tough – suffer a breakdown.

“Di is just disappointed Joe” – Ag walked around and put her head on my lap

I hated being an adult and there were times when all 3 of us took turns, at being one – the shared burden. Today, none of us wanted to shoulder it.

Kids attending school -were killed in our neighboring country, a hundred and thirty – a bullet in each one`s body. Humans killing humans, I asked myself if this was new, no, was the immediate answer.
What was different? A line was crossed? Who gets to choose?

  Everyone everywhere is stretching boundaries, so were the terrorists. I felt disgusted at my own thought process. The stories we sell our brains to make-do with grief, end up defining our lives. The turmoil within me was nothing compared to what was in the house, I felt something was broken – a parent does not want to lose the innocence of his own child – but the world outside brutally wants its opposite. This time, it won.

I had nothing to tell them today, no great words. I was ashamed of being a human and letting myself exist among all this – I am one of them – if I am taking privilege in all that we have achieved  - I take the blame of all that is wrong. I take the blame of letting those guys kill kids. I let that happen.

I am guilty and someone please come and take me away.

“I`m sorry kids”